A woman’s trans brother refuses to be a “bridesman” at her wedding because he fears people will think he is a girl. Is she wrong for telling him he can’t be in the wedding party at all?
The woman’s brother, Jake, transitioned from female to male three years ago, and she was completely supportive of him.
She is getting married the next year and is in the process of gathering her bridesmaid team.
Her twin sister would be her maid of honor, and she wanted Jake to stand by her side as a “bridesman” during the wedding ceremony.
But when she asked Jake to be her bridesman, he freaked out.
Jake felt he should be a groomsman for her fiancé because he didn’t want to be seen with her bridesmaids, all of whom were girls. He he feared people would mistake him for a girl.
He even accused her of asking him to be a bridesman, because she still thought of him as a girl, which wasn’t true.
The woman tried to reason with Jake, explaining that it wouldn’t make sense for him to stand on her fiancé’s side, since they had only met a few times, and her fiancé already had enough groomsmen.
Besides, Jake was her brother, and she wanted him to support her on her big day, just like she had always planned before he transitioned.
She reminded him that his gender shouldn’t change anything about their relationship, and that having bridesmen was becoming a common tradition.
Moreover, he had a beard and would wear a suit, so there was no way anyone would mistake him for a girl.
Despite her explanations, Jake and she fought for a while. Finally, she snapped and told him he couldn’t be in the wedding if he refused to stand by her side.
This made Jake call her names, which made her feel awful.
In the end, she decided Jake would still be invited to the wedding as a guest, but she told him he couldn’t be part of the wedding party if he refused to be a bridesman.
One Redditor said, “You aren’t telling him he has to restrict how he dresses or making him dress like a gender he isn’t – this has no element of transphobia, he can be the bridesMAN he actually is.”
Korona123 wrote, “Yeah bridesmen are definitely non-traditional, but hanging onto tradition is a bit ironic coming from your brother.”
Another user, GemGTC, exclaimed, “He’s from your side of the family and isn’t close with your fiancé. If he wants an active role in the wedding, he has to compromise. Otherwise, what? He’ll be the ring bearer?”
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